I have read a total of 1800 pages over the past 10 and 1/2 days. Five books, two of them Terry Goodkind (om nom nom seeker of truth), two of them by John Green ( if I was a dude and awesome I would write like this awesome dude) and a book on starting my own yoga studio. I’m not telling you this to brag (though big “E” ego wishes me to tell you that I AM pretty awesome). I’m noting it because such prolific reading came in the form of what we shall call a ” stolen moment of self-improvement” aka a moment of illness and stillness.
I love to read. If you know me you know this to be an inviolable truth to my life. Sadly, when one is a super active personality, one does not set aside time for languid forays into things like books. Instead, time finds that person and drags them kicking and fainting and screaming into moments struck through with silence. I know this because if given the option I would never stop my “doingness”. If moments did not seek me out with a reckless ( I would venture fanatical) abandon I would never allow myself to experience the beauty of sitting with the needs of the self. If you know me you know that this is because my need to ” do” is inexorably tied to feelings of worth and failure. It took me like, a billion years of therapy to acknowledge this, I also want to note that reading a shit ton of books with main characters “like me” helped out a lot.
I fall ill or I stumble in exhaustion or a loved one sits me down on the nearest suitable surface and tells me that I am running myself ragged ( thereby catching me before I take the next step into exhaustion) and BAM! the door to self-indulgent nothingness opens and …I read or write or play Halo for hours …pretty much do those things that have been back burnered for months. Admittedly, because reading is a huge part of my life and I carve space to do so, but it is always attached to another thing:
” I want to finish that Rushdie book – I’ll bust it out on the elliptical machine” or ” It’s time to read Atlas Shrugged again? Well – I have it on CD, I guess someone else can read it to me this time while I process this pile of graduate applications.”
That my life is ruled by action is not something that I will ever view as a negative, in fact it is a part of myself that I honor above many things – that I have the drive to push hard for the things that I value. Though I will admit at times I do not know how to stop pushing. This is a thing that I have been working on softening.
Thus teaching and practicing restorative styles of yoga.
Thus writing to you about how I should accept and appreciate the stillness and education that comes form stolen moments such as these.
And so it goes:
This is another stolen moment, writing to you, and to be perfectly honest, it hurts, given that I haven’t been here to do so in a while. This is one of those itchy, anxious, only slightly painful hurts; like I’m trying to pry loose an unwilling gem of knowledge, or picking at a scab that isn’t quite ready or throwing myself at a problem or person whose arms are unwilling to catch me. Life got in the way, cancer and growth and love and a number of other large words that fill a person’s every day to the brim got in the way and in all honesty I got in the way. My life is cyclical, Spring rolls around and I notice that the only time I afford to consider the greater consequences of being alive rides the back of sleep or swims in the world of dreams. Perhaps it is because as I’ve written before, winter is my fallow time. Winter and I don’t get along all that well – too many dark days and chill nights for my taste. When the skies begin to open again and the sun is up long enough for me to bear an active witness to dusk, I start to become active. The Grand Chu tells me that I am solar powered, that with the sun comes Sara. There is so much truth to this statement that there are days I wonder if I really am exothermic ( super serious).
Anyway. I find that it is worth the rough edges to re-engage the process of sharing, spending time with who I am, with yoga and philosophy and prolly some anger and tears and the like because that is how this started a year ago and how it will continue to be…I can’t change THAT much 😉 Plus I wouldn’t take to time to be here if it wasn’t rewarding and fun. To tell you the truth, there are some books like The Fault in our Stars that just make me want to write. Plus I figure if I can read that damn much I can totally write 900 ish rambling words here.
Much love and light,
AH – queen of …something.
- The Fault in Our Stars (charlotteunsworth.wordpress.com)
- Kindle Sci-Fi / Fantasy Daily Deal! Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind for $1.99! @terrygoodkind (randomizeme.net)