I found a lump the other night in my left breast. My tiny perky lil’ left breast. Before anyone freaks out – it’s benign tissue so I’m not “going to die out of cancer” – besides I did enough freaking out for all of us. Did you know that the internet is a den of misinformation and fear for those researching a condition? I convinced myself I had a stage 4 carcinoma in like 30 minutes of internet research. I also convinced myself that I have some form of Asperger’s, my cats have diabetes and my house is poisoning me with infectious mold spores.
If you know me, you know my body type. If not I’ll explain it to you: Tallish, thinish with strong arms, strong legs and small breasts. The average blend of an American woman distilled from French, English and German blood lines. Trademarked with brown eyes and blonde hair and fair skin. I am as much a mutt as my sweet running buddy
I have no idea why – but I’ve lived with this idea that because my boobs are small and my blood blended that I don’t have to worry about cancer…even though my mother’s side of the family is rife with it. How could my lady bits be a cancer target? They’re so…little. I’ve lived with these blinders because it is easier and healthier than worrying about my chance of having my body rebel against me in my lifetime (1 in 8 women develop invasive breast cancer in their lifetime btw). With this being said – I am diligent with self-examination every 2 weeks, I slather on sunscreen when I go trail running and I make sure to use paraben free products and eat foods that aren’t processed/ Contradictory that I protect against a thing that I want to believe I can’t get? Yup – but I’m relatively sure I’m not too far off from the rest of the modern population.
Aging. Finding lumps where there have been none. Watching my body slowly change. These things are reminders of my mortality and while I can say that I do not fear death – I do want to live a long life in which I give back to the world and in this way mortality haunts me. Mortality and fear of my body doing things without me knowing how or why. I guess I always thought my flesh would tell me when something goes awry – point me to the mutating spot before it became invasive and fills me with metastasis.
Last week I wrote about fear responses and it is interesting to experience my fear response from a place of “What the FUCK?” It is hard to calm the automatic nervous system with a tissue mass rolling around beneath one’s fingers. It is equally as hard to approach the situation rationally when it goes against a set of established notions even if they are flawed.
It is interesting that I’ve recently started working with people who have cancer and the universe found it fit for me to experience the fear response associated with possibly having an incurable disease process. Not so odd considering that I have a relationship with the universe that goes something like this:
1: Learn lesson
2: Become conscious of lesson in life.
4: Resolution and forward movement ooooor the fall and cyclical processing until lesson is fully learned.
My lessons tend to fully inform me of their cause and effect and this is beautiful and inspiring and terrifying all in the same instant. When it is a BIG lesson # 4 can will be visited over and over so that I can experience different facets of meaning and association with the experience. Sometimes I think I understand a thing – like fear – and need to revisit it to understand yet another layer.
So why am I telling you guys this? Well I love my boobs and I love your boobs (lady boobs or man boobs) and I want you to think about how you might be living in a cancer bubble. Be sure to check diligently, breasts, skin, every sundry little bit you can see or touch. Go to the doctor if you have concerns and recognize how the fear responses associated with finding something work in you.Additionally, this is part of my processing. I write to see the trails of my at times scattered thought processes criss-cross and to pull personal meaning and understanding from it. I will write every time I experience intense fear and it will help me see how it dovetails with other aspects of my life.
Treat your body with love. It is the only home you’ll have on this great and luscious earth. Honor it with care and consciousness. I’m pretty good with the care part and am working on the consciousness aspect. Finally – talk to your friends and family. Be there if they need you, love them fully and remember that we are all Jewels in Indra‘s great net – lumps and everything.